My friend Brian

As most of you know Brian was killed in April of 2010.  Brian was one of my best friend growing up from elementary school until we graduated from high school.  He lived one street up from me.  He was my date to prom when we were in 10th and 11th grade.  We were in classes together.

When I heard what had happened to Brian my emotions were all over the place.  Once the initial shock wore off that someone had shot him, regret then sat in.  I had lost touch with Brian and hadn't spoken with him over the last few years of what I now know was the end of his life.  We talked while in college and wrote letters but it wasn't every day.  We were pretty consistent the first few years of college and then it started to fade off.  Once college was over we both went about our lives until it got to the point that we just didn't talk unless it was at a reunion or when we both found Facebook.

Once the arrangements were made for Brian's viewing and funeral it gave me plenty of time to think about him and it seemed that every memory of growing up, he was in it.  It also gave me plenty of time to regret not telling him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him.  Regret for not calling when I thought about him.  Regret for him not knowing my daughter and for her not having the chance to know him.  Regret for loosing touch with him.  Regret for him not being in this world any longer and knowing my chances are gone to ever see him.

My loosing touch with Brian reminds me of how I felt and how God must have felt when I did the same thing to him.  God was a part of my life everyday growing up.  In college God and I talked.  It was pretty consistent in the beginning and then it started to fade off until it came to a point when all communication ended.  I would think about God, just like I did Brian, but never reached out.  God would come into my life on special occasions usually Easter and Christmas. 

I am thankful though that the outcome of my relationship with God was not the same as the outcome I had with Brian.  I was fortunate enough to reconnect with God while I had the opportunity too - before He was gone from my life forever.

Brian's death was a reminder of how quickly life can end.  You just never know.  One of the many reasons we need to live our lives as Christ like as we possibly can.

I think about you every day Brian and hope that you know how much I loved you and how much your friendship meant to me.  You will never be forgotten.

Shoes, Shopping and God

We live in a world where the more the merrier and big is better. We believe happiness is all about the glimmer and the glamour, the excitement and the thrills.

People seem to jump from one thing to the next in search of joy. From shopping to clubbing, parties and vacations, we seem to never get enough of them - although I could totally use one right now! By the way it is amazing that people who take vacation these days need another vacation to recover from their vacation.

But are we happy with what we have? Have our activities brought us joy or just plain fatigue?  I know I never seem to be.  I could (and do) have a closet full of shoes that I may never wear but need and had to have them just in case they match that one outfit.  I always tell my daughter that you can never have to many shoes and stand by that.

The problem of looking at joy in these things reminds me of what it use to be like getting drunk, the feelings are all gone the next day we wake up. And like a drunk, we start to go again in a spree. And the endless cycle goes on and on.  I have the closet and credit card bills to prove it.

I wish everything was as easy with starting over as my relationship with God was.  He is the one thing I put on everyday that will never go out of style.  That goes with every outfit.  A gift that didn't cost me anything because it cost him everything.  I don't need to go to the mall to find it because he is everywhere. 

I struggle and always need to remind myself that a closet full of clothes and shoes, those things can never give lasting happiness.

The one place I know I can find joy? Sitting on the couch, in my flannel pajamas, reading the Bible with the one man I know who doesn't care whether my shoes match my pants - God.

I Hate Change

I hate change.  Hate it.  The past six months have been filled with change for me.  Change in were I live.  Change in my job.  Change in finances.  Change in people I use to hang out with. Changes all they way around.

With all of those changes, it has caused me to question and try to figure out what I want to do with my life and what God wants me to do - not knowing if it's the same thing.

One nice thing I have come to terms with is realizing that change is not always an enemy.  It can be God's way of saying, enough is enough.  What I am trying to tell you is life has a middle name and that name is change.  I now know that anything that grows will change.

I try to live my life by rejoicing in a day that someone else missed.  While I slept, someone gasped a final breath and didn't get to see this day.  But I am still here.  This is God's gift to me and you.  From the God who cares enough to give the very best, he gave me today.  It is ours.  Change will come soon enough.   There will never be another moment like this one.

One of the hardest parts of change for me is trying not to look back, to forgive and mean it.  To enjoy today and stop living in the past.  To move forward ready to embrace whatever the future may bring.  I admit, it's not always an easy journey for me.  I over analyze everything.  I still have a hard time believing that people love me for me, not for something they want me to be.  I love finally realizing that God loves all of us for who we are, especially me. :)

I've also come to know that there is one thing in my life that will never change and that's God.  He does not change.  He is an unchanging God in a rapidly changing world.  No two days we have will ever be the same.  They were not designed to be duplicated.  Each day will behold a new wonder of God's glory 

I'm hoping and praying that for me, change and I will become Facebook friends.  New BFF's.  Someone new I hang out with everyday and come to appreciate.  But for the time being, I Still Hate Change.....

An Introduction

Wow, never thought I'd do this!  I was looking through some friends blogs and had an inspiration to start my own!  I may be the only one to read it but it will hopefully help me stay on track to living a God filled life - I need all the help I can get - that's why the name is A Work In Progress.

I became a born again Christian I guess about three years ago.  I grew up in the church.  Everything I did was with my church friends until, college. 

Shenandoah University - the beginning of my "walk on the wild side".  Partied.  Drank and did drugs.  "Dated" my first black guy.  Moved in with the second black guy I ever dated.  Failed classes.  Had to stay in school five years.  Lived with him for seven years and had my heart broken.  Moved back to were I grew up.  Got tattooed and pierced.  Partied every weekend in DC.  Bought a house.  Met my now ex-husband who moved in with me.  Got pregnant.  Got married.  Had my daughter.  Got divorced.  Found a church.  Found God again.

There are of course many details I left out but think you get my point.  My life has been a roller coaster between life changes, financial changes and my spiritual journey.  Finding God again has definitely been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had never gone off the beaten path and kept my eyes on the one man in my life who loves me unconditionally and will never let me down.  Don't get me wrong, having my daughter is something that changed my life completely and I would never change that.  I just see people who kept their eyes on Jesus and have a life with a Christian man and are still married.  I hold out hope that I too may find a good christian man but know that will only happen when and if God has that in the cards for me. 

The purpose of this blog for me is to be my journal and hopefully help someone who may be struggling the way I do.  I am far from perfect and unlike some Christians I know, have no problem sharing my past, my mistakes and decisions I still make that aren't always what God wants for me.  I am far from perfect but have my eye on the prize now and refuse to go back to the "old me".  I need all the help I can get so please share anything that may help me or anyone else who stumbles across my ramblings.

God loves me no matter what and you too.  Something I still have a hard time grasping.  No matter how many mistakes I make he still loves me and you!  Isn't that amazing? 

For the rest of my life though, I think I will always be ...... A Work In Progress.